Yesterday’s New York Times men’s fashion supplement is what was on my mind first thing this morning.
I’d let it sit there next to the sports and privileged-people-getting-married sections for a full nine hours after I brought in the Sunday paper. But then, over a late lunch, I decided to get on with it; my twice-yearly men’s supplement ritual: A slow leafing through every page and seeing how many times I can genuinely say “Oh, hell, no!” at whatever is before me. This time, as every time, it’s easier to say how many times I didn’t make this pronouncement: Yesterday, Spring 2017 yielded 12 instances. That is to say, out of perhaps 1,000 pieces of displayed men’s fashion, there were a dozen that, squinting hard, I could maybe—maybe—see me wearing.
And so this morning I was thinking about what this biannual ritual says about me. First and foremost, of course, it demonstrates how much I hate fashion. But that’s a deceptive statement—it suggests that I walk around in ill-fitting clothes that are haphazardly thrown together. Because for most people, fashion equals style. Except that it doesn’t.
Know this about me—my clothes are not fashionable, but they are stylish. Know this too: I was a pioneer of Normcore three decades before Normcore even had a name. In the world of clothing, this is my only claim to fame. And lastly, I’m also a devout believer in style uniforms: find a look that works for you and, well, never change it. Andy Warhol understood the branding benefit and daily efficiency of this strategy and so do I.
For instance, take my writerly workdays: I favor jeans, Oxford cloth shirts with the sleeves rolled up and deck shoes. If it’s winter, I’ll drape a crewneck sweater over my shoulders. On days that I’m feeling wild and crazy. the Oxford cloth will be replaced with a Lacoste-style polo shirt. End of my “fashion” statement. And, yes, it’s been this way since 1975 or so.
There is, however, another unplanned level to my personal style—something which didn’t occur to me until years into wearing my work-day uniform: It is the perfect apparel for time-traveling:
My crewneck sweaters trace their origin back to 1920, when Benjamin Russell Jr invented the crewneck sweatshirt.
My Brook Brothers button-down Oxford cloth shirts (confusing called the Original Polo Shirt—because that’s exactly why they were invented), trace their nearly unchanged lineage back to 1896.
Lascoste-style tennis shirts were created in 1933 by Rene Lacoste.
My Levi original 501 button-fly jeans were introduced in 1927.
And my Sperry Gold Cup Topsider deck shoes have a similarly unchanged ancestry that extends back to 1935.
In all of these cases, the styles have changed only slightly since their years of their introduction. At this juncture, someone else might go on a tangent about a wardrobe built of iconic American classic apparel. But not me.
What I see is the ability to be dropped anywhere in the last 100 years—especially in America—and instantly blend in: to be as invisible in 1920, 1930 and 1940 and as I have been in 1980, 1990 and the 2000s. Even my unchanging haircut is unintentionally smudgy in terms of decades: not too short, not too long, not bohemian, but not Regular Guy. This realization makes me yearn for a time machine because I’m eager to test my theory.
So that’s the story me and unfashionability. No, NYT men’s fashion supplement, I will not be wearing the angry-elephant print man-purse or the just-like-SNL-Stefon striped, baggy shirt or the pink checked cloth A-line overcoat or the silk jump suit with the single, massive flap pocket in front so—I assume—my dick has access to my iPad while I’m walking. Nope, nope, nope and definitely nope.
But what I could be doing, with an assist from Time Lord technology, is effortlessly and without attention striding through the last ten decades in my dull and boring style uniform that’s more effective than the latest military breakthroughs in camouflage design.
I’m very okay with this—in fact, I think it’s kind of cool.